If there is anything you would like to share with the world, something perhaps that you would never normally write and certainly not put your own name to, then this is the place for you to do it.

The rules are simple. Write what you want (without being libellous of course) and sign any nom de plume you wish. Your identity will not be made known to other users of this site withut your permission. You must, however, send it to me from your own usual email address, which will be checked. Any poetry sent must, as always, bear the copyright symbol and you must certify that it is your own work.

Just click on the link below to talk to the best agony aunt on the web.

email Antagone

First up a little chat I had with Ivor Desire

Dear Antagone
I am writing to you as a last resort after living for years with a horrible
secret on my conscience. On the surface I project myself as a pure and
beautiful person but inside there is a revolting alter ego posing as female, which has expressed itself in a putrid poem and using mythology even tried to pass it off as literature. To make matters worse I have even had the effrontery to submit and have it published in a magazine called Nasty Piece of Work, the title of which says it all. To make amends for my evil ways I
will have to out the poem to you and your readers so they may pass judgement. By the way I think I saw you in St Helens Kwik Save the other day and I must say you have a super pair of knockers.

LARKING IN A LABYRINTH
Oh Minotaur
Where are you?
Skulking in a dark passageway, I'll bet.
Come on!
You want me,
you know you do.
Open up;
show off that glistening cock!
It's not just
your bullhead turns me on.
Go ahead;
chase me some more!
I might let you loose
in my china shop.
Catch me and
Inseminate,
impregnate
eviscerate me
with those huge horny horns!
Go on,
Splatter yourself with guts and gore!
I like a man to be
a bit of an animal!

Yours sincerely,
Ivor Desire

Antagone
If you were a regular reader of this column you would know I had many more than two knockers and none of them could be described as super. Now, despite earlier claims from the afore-mentioned knockers, I am not a homophobe and I believe you are, in a very real way, a woman. You have the natural horny desires of a woman of a certain age, as I can attest to from experience. (You may wish to visit my triple A website, Ante's Animal Arcade, at www.deathbymaumau.com for further viewing pleasure, only £39.99 per month). The labyrinthine workings of your inner mind are reflected in your beautiful and delicately phrased poem. I advise you to put your partner on a penis-enhancement course of treatment. My own patent leather patented BULL worker (£39.99 at all good sex shops) guarantees an extra three inches. If you are still not satisfied with four inches become a vegetarian.

Dear Antagone

I waited with anticipation for your response (See Larkin in the Labyrinth Antagone 1) and am sad to say that you've got the wrong end of the stick. I am indeed a full blown Welshman as I can testify, in that I have taken your advice to purchase your patent leather bullworker. However, as I am not at the moment in a relationship and don't wish to cause future embarrassment or disappointment I tried it out on the local hill dwellers, although they are a bit woolly minded and they were not disappointed. I think I shall write a beautiful poem about this. What do you think? If I publicise your product do I get a discount?

Yours sincerely,
Ivor Desire

Antagone
I never touch sticks. I have been known to use the occasional carrot. I only respond to you with sympathy again because of the delicacy of your poem about the labyrinth. You are obviously extremely disturbed, why else would anyone claim to be Welsh (see Anne Robinson's book Taff is Naff). I have no doubt that you tried my patent leather Bullworker out on the Welsh hill dwellers and troglodytes and that they were highly delighted, as it was designed to give the same feel as a sheep on the edge of a cliff (i.e. backing into you). Please do write another beautiful poem about your experiences. Perhaps you could call it Cum Rhonda. But use your poem as catharsis not as a catheter and stop denying your femininity.
Of course there is no discount for any of my products. They are all snips at £39.99 as you and your Celtic coterie can attest to.

Dear Antagone
I am saddened that your latest reply has descended into abuse of my antecedents. Feeling as I do, so disheartened I cannot bring myself to write a beautiful poem as you suggest. I am in no need of a cathartic exercise, I have never denied my feminine side, nor would I do so. You have
so awoken the pendragon in me that as a poetic form I am sending down to you (please see below) an englyn

Yours sincerely
Ivor Desire

Englyn for Antagone

When writing a response use a carrot
no sticks, as you ensconce
attempting to state a sconce
on what was clearly a nonce

Antagone
This must be the last time we speak like this, as I worry for your sanity. To describe yourself as a nonce and show such a fixation for vegetables is quite disturbing. There is much satire in your verse, (as befits an englyn unodl union) which, as you know, I find beautiful, so I consider your
original promise fulfilled. However once you have been adopted by Antagone you must know that she is a jealous ante and Thou shalt have no other ante but me; no antecedents, no antediluvian yearnings. If you cannot embrace me as the one true ante then you must take your chances in the wide world for which you are ill prepared with your beautiful and poetic nature. I fear you will be taken advantage of. I have a terrible vision of you living the fast life at Brand's Hatch selling your wares at Druid's Corner. To aid your redemption I give up to you my Englyn cyrch (below). Remember an englyn can be used to praise as well as satirise, so use your sconce
for the nonce and don't become ensconced in 'noncense'. [See my anthology 'Oh Englyn my Englyn', £39.99 at all god book shops.]

Listen to my given sconce
Drink a yard of ale at once
To your ant allegiance swear
Your heart in her love ensconce

PS I shall speak to the editor of Originality and suggest that the Englyn be included in their poetic forms page.

If you have anything you want to get off your chest
See a doctor and leave me alone.
If you want to tell me what a lovely person I am
Email me, Antagone, at
Antagone@blueyonder.co.uk

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